Am I Mad ?

Me : I'm Afraid So , Am a Little Bonkers ..But let me tell you a little secret ...Most of the Best People are....

Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Last Cry in Vain ........

There were so many times I Wondered how I’d get through the night
I Thought I took all I could take when i was wheeled in that noon
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled knowing fully well what was to come 
But I did not crumble I got through all the pain thinking i could save it one last time ...I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back upHold my head up high and out came without a cry I was not built to break...
i knew i had to wait ...
I didn’t know my own strength..till the last breath and the gush of blood and the stillness of the minute till the end ..
now i lay awake in my darkest deepest hour thinking how i would regain and forget what we so lovingly would call our own ......

Now the physical pain seems to fade away , the tears have dried in regret and now what seems like a wait for faith to rebuild its way..I wish i could learn to share my emotions the way i do swell up here ....i know life would go on but the feelings that this had brought in me seem gone a little bit  in  vain ...

Now when am all ready to embrace the world and get back to the clamp of the keyboard , i miss my little bump..i miss the daily calls if I my had my vitamins in time ..i miss the names and the planning of all that was to come ...i notice every baby figuring how it would be to have my own ....

Little did i know i'd ever long this feeling ..little did i know life would turn this way ...the advices and the phone calls are assuring ..the questions painful yet reassuring ...Am grateful for the love i got ,but i don't know how to deal with pain ..i never have been good at sharing emotions ...i sit in silence with the memories soo vivid , the visual so fresh that i don't know what to hold on to and when to let go.....

I sit here trying to keep faith..hoping it will become a memory and fade away all i have now is FAITH anyway !!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

God must be a Sadist

I know this will offend few people who have been trying very hard to change my views but Am not a woman of Faith.

My deep conviction that religion is irrational and encouraged superstition has only grown stronger with the passing years. There is not a shred of evidence to support the truth that anyone has seen God.Even those who believe in him have little justification about his existence as omnipotent and just.Whatever evidence we have is on the contrary.God fearing parents who have never harmed anyone in the case of Nirbhaya have to fight their battles alone for the justice of their daughter who suffered at the hands of barbaric rapists,the gentlest of people suffer while thieves and the corrupt prosper .

I cannot accept a God who is selective in granting his grace ,or who is blind .And why should i worship a MIGHTY AVENGER who must be constantly appeased is no God at all !.However I do not dismiss the power of prayer altogether- I feel that one does not have to believe in God to concede that Prayer has Power,all that prayer does is comfort the person in times of stress and helps one to to ponder within in silence and often we have  a solution ...I know this might sound selfish to some but i feel living a good life is the only religion ...A life full of giving happiness and also finding it for oneself ....

I shall sum up my words by quoting Russell who said " I believe in using words, not fists, in honesty not  greed, in having a good time, in consuming good food ..and  above all I believe in Sex ."

I think its my duty as an educated adult to separate the sublime from ridiculous banter of the gurus and derive inspiration from living legends who are normal and flawed yet they faulter,learn and walk in pride ...
My husband's grandfather on his wheelchair recently visited the temple in pouring rain so he could wash his sins and meet his Maker after he dies. As an agnostic , I have no such comfort. And neither do I have any regrets ...

I shall end this by my favorite line from Shelley- If God has spoken, why isn't the universe not convinced . 

Tuesday, December 25, 2012


Interpretations of Love 

First of all, apologies that this post comes so late in the day,to all those I've spoken  to about this ... It’s as overdue as overdue can be and as important as important can be. Getting straight to it.
This is the story of a love affair between a man and a woman in a movie called Rockstar. This story is NOT about my delusional-love-affair with him. So, hang in there, don’t run away just yet.This post is about my love-affair with the music, and more specifically, the lyrics of the songs.First of all I'd like to take a bow to (Irshad Kamil who wrote the lyrics of the movie for those who didn’t know!) In equal measure, I also want to mention what a super-fantabulously-fricking-amazingly-awesome job A.R. Rahman and Mohit Chauhan have done to bring that poetry to life! And I am not exaggerating. The music of Rockstar is the soul of the movie, and the lyrics are so unflinchingly honest that they hit the spot! They do. The lyrics describe true love; the highest form of truth possible. If you don’t believe me, read the rest of the post, with a little faith if possible, and tell me how can one not fall in love with such a beauty.
Snippets of songs that I am in “true-love” with:
Song: Jo Bhi Mai Kehna Chahu
Maine yeh bhi socha hai aksar
Tu bhi main bhi sabhi hai sheeshe
Khudhi ko hum sabhi main dekhein
Nahin hoon main hoon main toh phir bhi
Sahi galat, tumhara main
Mujhe paana, paana hai khud ko…
My Interpretation: 
We are what we see around
and we are what is within others found
I’m non-existent yet I exist in you
I’m your right and I am your wrong
I’m all I want.
I Speak:
By attaining my lover, I shall attain myself. By attaining myself, I’ll attain my lover.
Now, if that is not love, what is?
Song: Aur Ho
Main hasrat mein ek uljhi dor hua
Suljha de…
Main dastaak hoon, tu band kiwadoon sa
Khulja re…
My Interpretation:
I’m a knot in an unfulfilled wish
Untie me
I’m the knock and you’re a closed door
Please open up
I Speak:
This song, primarily, is about his anguish on not being able to release himself from the web he has created for himself. In these lines, he’s in a tumult and asks his lover to liberate him. A knot in a strand of a wish that is unfulfilled and a knock that is not being answered shows how acceptance is not coming to him.
Love is liberation.
Song: Kun Fayakun
“Main toh jag ko naa bhaaya
Tune gale se lagaya haan phir tu hi hai khudaya”
“Kar de mujhe mujhse hi riha, mujhse hi riha”
My Interpretation:
This song, in its entirety, is such a soother. Kun fayakun, in Arabic, means “God said “Be” and it was!” It’s about how when there was nothing, God created everything in an instant. (This song is not for atheists and rationalists. Please don’t ruin it by telling me how to look in another direction.)
I Speak:
In this song, he is (according to me) talking about God’s love for him. He says that when no one accepted him for who he was, he came to God and God accepted him.
He also asks God to “free him from himself” which basically means that he’s asking himself to surrender.
Surrender is the highest form of love in my dictionary.
Song: Naadan Parindey
Kaagar kaagar
Mori itni araj tohse
Chun chun khahiyo maas
Arajiya re khahiyo na
Do nain mohe
Khahiyoo na do nain mohe
Piya ke milan ki aas
My Interpretation: 
Here I have to give credit to a certain someone who made me realise how important these lines were. I was told, “When a man dies and if his body is rotting, the crows being scavengers tend to eat the body if unattended. And when they begin scavenging he body, they eat the eyes of the man first. In these lines, he says that, If I die, o crow please, rip my flesh apart as you wish, just do not eat my eyes as I hope to see my beloved when I go beyond this life I just lost.”
I had goosebumps when i heard it. Still do.
I Speak:
Is that not love? No? No?
Song: Tum Ho
(This song is my Bible of love. However, I shall exercise restraint and just quote a few lines.)
Kis tarah cheenega…
Mujhse yeh jahan tumhe?
Tum hi hu mai kya fikar
Ab hume…
My Interpretation:
I am you.
How is this world going to take us apart?
I Speak:
I have said this a hundred times, and I shall say it again. (To those who have heard it, please bear with me.) We are in a world where acceptance of love plays a major part in helping lovers walk into the sunset. If love is not accepted by society, it does create quite a disturbance. These lines, are like time that you may never be able to contain and bind even if you wish. When the relationship between two people reaches a point where one is another and vice versa, no mighty force in the world can put out that love. It is going to exist, do what you might. And this is why I think, the three words “I am you.” are way much more powerful than the three cliched words, “I love you.”
Isn’t that how love is meant to be?
Track: Meeting Place
Words: Yaha se bohot dur, galat aur sahi ke paar, ek maidaan hai. Mai waha milunga tujhe.
Source: ”Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field I’ll meet you there.” – Rumi
“Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field I’ll meet you there. 
It’s a love affair I’ll take to my grave and beyond....

Thursday, November 1, 2012


The hypocrisy of the bitter fourth as i call it ..In India ,women celebrate Karwachauth for the long life of their husbands ,I suppose keeping them will solve the problems of women who are physically abused by drunk husbands or pathetic in laws and a fast is the quick fix for marital harmony ,I mean do we really wish to be with the same person for 7 lives ..I mean really who knows about rebirth u could be a freaking roach ..I mean where does such bogus theory come from ?Why isn't there a fast for the husbands to keep ,do they wish for us to die early?
 I personally feel that its a powerlessness that modern women want to stay associated with ,it is time to understand the exploitative ,repressive character of fasting and be done with this antiquated tradition .The modern Indian women need not put herself through an agonising ,humiliating and ultimately harmful ritual that she no longer needs in order to fulfill her desires.After  all this is a ritual born of a hunger for some influence over her own life and in a rapidly equalising world there are other means to feed that hunger ...

Most of the men i know (apart from my brother)might have a cool facade put secretly wish for someone to actually fast for them .its an ego booster for them ..I mean really rather than a long life id rather have a good quality life where we are equals making honest efforts to save and spend and lead a healthy life ...To top it all ,men are expected to get gifts for their wives on this day and vice versa for women and their respective MIL's ..Only If i could cut the roots of  such hypocrisy and social pressures..

Most of the times these kinds of traditions are being followed bcoz we grow up seeing our ancestors  doing them without asking their validity or reasons . So basically we do it coz everyone else is doing it ..One feels bad or left out ,when they dont do it ,or they feel that O she is not doing it coz she doesnt care for her husband .So we all participate in the peer pressure and don't want to be questioned for our own integrity ...
I wish it involved renewing vows and reminding ourselves of what we agree in the name of marriage for ...
I feel that all these festivals are more socialistic than spiritual ..there is nothing Romantic not for us ones..for me it would be a BITTER FOURTH ...


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Monday, August 20, 2012

Beyond The Grey

Whether you like it,crib about it ,you cant escape from the revolution of 50 shades of Grey ,from the midland Mum to most 20 year olds reading the bondage affair ,its got everyone talking and probably redefining what goes on inside the bedroom .. From women in Delhi holding their hens and uber cool aunties holding kitties on the theme of Fifty Shades with everyone sporting faintly fetish wear ,its got all the readers gripped..Having picked one myself ,I can firmly say ,although the book is grammatically weak and repetitive in style the concept is rather bold to be told in such a stylish fashion. Bedroom relationships have been redefined from sexier outfits to feeling confident to talking dirty,many experts say that a baby boom is expected as a result.Men are loving their wives reading Grey and probably the fantasy world is being given a bold description. The sadomasochistic affair between wealthy entrepreneur Christian Grey and literature student Anastasia Steele has sparked the business of lingerie and erotic sensibilities. However,to my opinion the book has done very little to remove the misconception that submissives are doormats to a pre-feminist age, and as someone who self-defines as ‘submissive’ that makes me think that the concept could have been shown better light with either of the duo playing submissive. 50 Shades of Gray did its positive thing -it got a lot of people interested in trying some activities(And, again, a big portion of submissives are men, and dominants are women. Or it can be a gay or lesbian couple. There are all kinds of varieties).Either way its liberating. Beyond that, everybody has to decide for themselves what role kink will play in their lives. I know people who live a BDSM relationship 24/7, others who have a regular vanilla relationship except for when they play and have sex. There are people who don't venture beyond fur-lined cuffs, and people who have a huge suitcase full of toys..There is no one way to do it, it's your own personal journey. I dont agree with it being'bad for women'in any way.But there are so many different kinds of women. How can one say that a book is 'bad' for all women? I happen to feel that there are plenty of women who would accept the book at face-value,it's erotica, meant purely for entertainment. It's not written as a guide to how we as women should feel about ourselves and what we should expect from relationships. I read a book about a suicidal woman who killed herself - is that bad for me? No. Because I can read about it without becoming the characters. While I understand that there are some people who might get the idea that the relationships described in the book are exactly what they want, I don't feel that it' is necessarily 'bad'. Let people make their own decisions, and decide if it's right for them. It seems simple-minded to make such a broad statement about women when no two women are the same. Personally i feel every woman,secretly would love to have a Christian's love and affection (without the BDSM and the controlling). If we could bottle that love and affection, the world would be a happier place.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Women are their own worst Enemies!!

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." - Alice Walker

I happened to recently read an article wherein Sarah Palin was being asked by a lady reporter whether she had breast implants.

The most powerful women in India are shut down, based on their looks and physiology and not on their intellectual capabilities.God help if you dress well..there are women judging you from the heel to the cleavage ..

Imagine if the same conversation happened around men.
Obama, you have rock hard abs. Are those implants? Surely you don't have enough time to exercise while running the country.

How can we be taken seriously when it's all about the body and not about the brain?

As a culture in India, women are brought up to be fundamentally insecure From weight ,to looks ,to wrinkles,to hair fall (its never okay for a woman to be bald )to pregnancy , worry about our weight and about when we can start wearing makeup and getting our ears pierced and about the kinds of clothes we wear.Have we ever focused on the intellectual capital that a woman carries
As a society, we're not standing for the right values and principles. And the media have made it pretty clear what people should admire about women.

Don't get me wrong. I think a woman's sensuality and sexuality is one of our best assets, but it's only one of our best assets.IT's a blessing but just focusing on one of it is a curse.

Here's the thing, though. We're our own worst enemies.

We're catty, we're mean, and we're judgmental. We treat one another poorly, and we rarely support one another whether its work or home ..

If we want things to change, that has to start with us. The next time you are faced with making a snap judgment about another woman, think twice. When you decide not to support a woman-owned business or woman making a marketing pitch or a woman stating her point loud and clear at a family dinner, I hope it's based on lack of merits and not because it's run by a woman. !!

Saturday, October 9, 2010



This is dedicated to all the confused souls in the world who have at some point of time in life suffered from a broken heart.

My friend today asked me as to how should she move on knowing that she may never find love that had lasted her so many years, sometimes we experience it in more ways that the number of years, in small moments ,but the experience is so rich and fulfilling that the memory stretches for eternity…

Yet even with these caveats, some people seem better able to dust themselves off and heal easier than do others. While there are those who jump start their way to future happiness rather than staying stuck.

Because relationships are no longer essential for our survival (girl’s perspective) (you can pay your own bills, drive around ,buy your own huse/car etc.), many women are choosing not to pursue another relationship. I know so many women who choose to stay single and become absolutely averse to mankind coz of a bitter experience with their husbands/partners or father.

Hence, protecting themselves from future heartbreak. But I dare say that this kind of behaviour is much worse as it elevates the pain to a higher level than it deserves. This is a mindset of avoiding risk/heartbreak . This choice (yes, it is a choice) will protect you from the pain of another failed relationship but it also stops you from experiencing the joy of another relationship.

I am one of those who has cherished the good memories but admits that the comparison does fill in especially when you have matured through the course of a relationship.
For every relationship that has caused pain in my life, I have wonderful memories of exciting adventures, thrilling intimacies, comforting companionship, shared goals, etc.

Would I have missed any of these positive things because of the emotional pain? Do moms not have a second child because of the memory of the pregnancy, the pain of childbirth and being sleep deprived during the many months of infancy? Life without risk may be safer but oh so very limiting. Think of all the good times you are missing right now in your life because you are choosing to not move on.
So my answer to her and a whole lot of others is baggage happens with every individual but why deprive yourself of the love ….
Like they say “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”